The fear was always looming around, just that waited for an opportunity to strike hard.
The displeasing feeling of waking up early in the morning and dragging to office was not different today.
I go back to 14th june-2006 my first day at ABC. I was happy that I will be doing something new and different from today. Had always talked and giggled with foreigners in my previous jobs. How would it feel to work with them ?
The first day to office. –
Got up early dressed, had breakfast at the hotel, food came free with the stay. A resemblance I want to quote here before I get into the flow. I always get attracted to the not so worthwhile things people around me do. The doctor always wants to know the problem and symptoms to fix a patient, may be I know what is wrong with them and feel like curing all. I saw people before me queued for the breakfast. What struck me was the huge pile of bread, buns and eggs that disappeared, before my turn came. Hardly 10-15 people before me and the food was over. I rushed towards the other edible stuff, which to them was not so attractive (cereals). The resemblance I later noticed in the locals here and whenever I do not want to look down at them I remind myself of this incident from my fellow countrymen. I quickly had my breakfast and took MRT to office.
I was at Harbour Front before any of my team members reached the office that day and waited for my host to pick me, from the lobby. The thoughts I went through in those odd 15-20 minutes of waiting flashed out whenever I go for a stroll to the same place.
The first day at office. –
My TL took me to the floor and I was impressed by the ambience, the people etc. First impression was great.
I felt a sense of discomfort and dishonesty the first time I met him. Not that there was something wrong in his approach or anything wrong with his appearance. Its just the vibrations he dissipated were not very pleasing. The only sentence he said was “I am busy now and catch up later, make yourself comfortable.” On asking where can I dock in he looked around and said “wherever I see empty desk”.
The first day got over with mix of great and not so great memories. I reached hotel and went hunting for cheap food outside at Little India.
The beginning of the betterment -
The morning of 07th-October-2008 was not different from any of the mornings I saw from last 2 years. I reached office on time listening to the latest sufi album. The only difference here is that I was listening to muslim sufi music and not hindu bhajans, which I normally listen to. After years of devoted prayers I am sure God is not harsh to punish me for this.
On Monday I fast and skip dinner to take early breakfast on Tuesday mornings. I had the usual cereal breakfast and quickly returned back to my desk and see what reuters has for me.
An hour passed peacefully doing routine stuff. An hour later a compulsive good morning greeting to him and in return a tiring acknowledgement. Whole morning he sat there with his poker faced expression. I left for lunch and returned around 1:30 PM. He was already there and asked me if we can meet before the 02:00PM invite he has sent. I willingly agreed thinking that today its he asking for time , which I have been begging for from him. Just glanced the subject of his invite before proceeding.
The discussion started with the stock market bloodbath. Expressions on my face said cut the crap you crap. The reason of this meeting was the subject of the email invite he had sent. From the direction of wind that brings smell of blood and dead bodies one can tell the casualties in either side.
It started with round talks and management preaching. Carefully and selectively picking the right words. The person who never looked into my eyes ever was looking straight into them at that moment. The emotions and care he expressed were blended with fear factor prevailing in outside market and his awareness of it. The words came cautiously with the arrogance and pride of being a ABC manager who is not going to just chop me off. Advice came with a sense that he has in-depth understanding of how things happen within and outside.
He said it – the resourcing thing will potentially impact you and I have end of Q1 2009.
The very next moment the wave that ran into me – aaaahhhh finally. Blood hied into my brain and I could feel my ears turning red. My acquaintance say whenever I get angry or upset or thinking hard my ears turn red like burning coal. I myself felt the fire on either ends heating the blood centered in my brain. The spike cooled down within the same time it surged.
The explosion within tore apart the virtual shell of fear and discomfort. I was living with. I quickly accepted it as if the inner me was waiting for this to happen. I can’t believe myself, last 2 years and not even a single day when I had not thought of this while entering the office. The sorrow of being stuck in the role and not doing anything about it. The second thought that struck was who stabbed me? I have been meeting various people in last few days and which one spilled? I very well knew that in the “Art of War“ no one likes surprises. Even Sun Tzu the famous legendry Chinese military strategist said so. The most deadliest of all attacks is surprise. The game of chess we were playing was on the verge of something and he has struck hard this time. The discomfort he was showing to me from last few days the uneasy feeling by not looking into my eyes and hitting around the bush all flashed immediately. I don’t remember what he blabbered for the next few seconds.
I pulled myself back into the conversation and listened to what he has to say next.
My learning from the psychology book diverted my attention again to notice that he was holding his mug firmly and trying to put a barricade between both of us. Don’t know why I was noticing all this and not what he was saying may be I was not interested anymore. The crux was out and rest all was bullshit.
His words caught my attention again when he said – My friends outside say why ABC takes so much time to decide…and I answered to them that I am not that kind of a manger. I give my guys enough time to explore and do it in subtle way. You are perm ABC employee and have shown loyalty towards ABC so have to optimize you before can let you go. This is not my style …The way his fingers and hand pointed towards himself with pride of being a manager in ABC made me feel like spitting on his face. Honestly, the feeling of punching him down didn’t come to my mind. My final resort to problem solving during the brim years of my cool-age-hood.
He completed his part of the communication by stating that he will take the whole thing in the most professional way, will optimize my resources and in the end asked me what my reaction is. The first time I opened my mouth to say – What has to happen has to happen. Thanks for letting me know this much in advance and I really appreciate you being honest. The hard looks on my face would tell my close ones how far I was to actually mean what I just said it. The expression read you slacker.
I continued by saying I will want to explore options within team, GOI, PACT team and most importantly Middle Office. He interrupted quickly – it was useful right. Good for you the course right.
One more added to the long list of questions hovering! Is the stabber someone from Middle office team who he spoke with ? what made him stress on this point ? I kept my tone mild and just nodded for what he said. Without confronting mentioned about picking new skills if need be, to stay. He was staring at me to read my mind and not miss anything coming out of me. The first instance I could recall of that he had the guts to look straight into my eyes. The irritation I always had, why can’t the bugger look into my eyes and talk. No, it’s not him it’s the sadist pleasure of throwing this punch at me that has given him the courage, I said to myself.
I shook myself literally as felt real nervousness momentarily. To make myself comfortable and release the heaviness in the hands and lower portion of my body I made myself sit upright. Taking a position where I could look straight to him and position myself confidently. (While writing this it might give an impression that it is all my imagination but no I can picture the whole thing. The 20-30 minutes within the four walls. Even the hand movements and even the way his and mine heads shook. The Ying and Yang floating.)
After taking positive stance proudly told him that I have taken my PMI certification. I noticed the not so good change of expression on his face. Then consciously realizing the need of the hour just surrendered. Leaving all the options with him and an urge to help me. Added more need to make him feel great. Once I got the feeling that he is back on his high mood. I cautiously stopped talking and let him start again. Realizing that anything uttered at this moment can go against he, will want me to make mistake. He was basically trying to fetch what is going in my mind and squeeze pleasure out of it. Week before last he came home and during a quiet moment with me he suggested to start family after praising the big house I have. He also compared the mega size refrigerator and washing machine I have and yes the kitchen too. I was like whatever boss your salary is four times of mine and if you are trying to compare anything here it is just not digestible.
Moment came to put a lid on the potpourri of emotions. It ended with me saying and parallely opening the door for him – I need your help boss and he replied hope I don’t disappoint you, with a shrewd chuckle.
I walked towards my desk, trying to avoid all eyes appearing to me as if just starring at me. Kept walking burdened with the feeling of guilt and shame.
All through to me companies lay off employees it considers the low producers, but in this I felt like being framed. I felt really bad about myself and bumped my bums on the chair, which won’t be mine for long. With thirsty throat and shivering hands I unlocked my machine, seconds to refresh the screen appeared to me as minutes. I was getting restless. Grabbed the water bottle to realize there is not enough water in it. With the dull feeling gathered my self and started to walk towards the pantry taking a different route. Praying to see noone on the way. Contemplating the actions and repercussions of what has just been slammed on me.
It all swirled - parents coming to Singapore this weekend. A day any father would long for after his retirement, well settled son to take care of him. Sister who has just submitted her thesis and wish to stay in Singapore and explore opportunities. Wife back in India planning and shopping goodies to decorate her dreams.
The empty water bottle swinging weighted heavy. Gained consciousness when heard someone wishing Good Afternoon. Ohh yes I replied what an afternoon.
Leaving thoughts in the back of my mind I returned to my desk and started shuffling the open windows on the screen. Trying to keep myself occupied and forgetting what has just happened. I don’t know why but I thanked God and convincingly told myself – whatever happens, happens for good. I still remember the day when I was rejected admission to my favourite college and how dejected I felt. That time my father stood strong and the words he said to me on walk after dinner echoed – its just the college, same syllabus, same university you are going to study the same course. You came here to learn computers and you can do it in this college too end result is to learn. It is all up to you ! He said that so convincingly that it got engraved. God’s grace fate took turn and I was given admission into the same college I wanted to and I came out passing with flying colors. Three years of my stay in the college and I was every bodies pet student. I today see the flowers blossoming from the seed of faith he laid in my heart on that day.
With all positive waves coming in I thought about the next steps and it was already mid afternoon when my wife pinged. She pinged to make my day more eventful - we have a “kiddy” coming. No stopping to the adrenal that rushed and I was exultantly proud and joyful.
Whole of evening and in the night didn’t let these thoughts occupy my mind, just kept myself engaged by tidying the house. Whatever happens I am still a wise man with faith. Faith that something good is going to happen and this is to push me hard and take no liberty. Slept thanking God for whatever he has given me.
